Saturday, 25 June 2011

Just Read 'The Psychopath Test'

The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson.  I passed so now wish to be known as Dolores.  Pictures of dismembered body parts to follow once I reach 'Advanced' level.
I'd always thought psychological profiling was largely voodoo, but it was astonishing how much entrapment went on in the Colin Stagg case.
"Mmm, I read your ad 'sad lonely nerd seeks nookie' and thought, that's the man for me!  Just confess to a particularly gruesome murder and you can lose your virginity..."
"Er, I didn't actually kill anyone but if you really insist I'll try to make upa violent fantasy for you."
Arrest this man at once, he's confessed to violent fantasies!A
And the trend for diagnosing children in the US as bipolar is truly scary.
Still, at least Dolores (above), ne David Shayler has come to save us now s/he has come out as the Messiah.
Next on my reading list: How To Be A Woman.  Can't wait for Chapter IV 'Knit Your Own Cervix'.

Another Cesspit

which springs to mind is that referred to in the famous quote of James Anderton, (that is the bible-bashing bobby and former chief Constable of Greater Manchester and not the Burnley-born, fast-medium swing bowler) who once said: Everywhere I go I see increasing evidence of people swirling about in a human cesspit of their own making.  Which is a jolly unfair thing to say about people simply on account of their having a predilection for same-sex rumpy pumpy, but does seem to be the literal truth about Glastonbury in the rain.
Did he...
Foresee this?
After all to a fundamentalist who takes the Bible literally wearing colourful clothes and homosexuality are virtually the same thing.  The Bible even forbids tattoos and funny haircuts (Leviticus 19: 27-28)
19:27 You must not round off the corners of the hair on your head or ruin the corners of your beard.   19:28 You must not slash your body for a dead person or incise a tattoo on yourself
So that's Mohicans out.  Which, along with the adulterers, fornicators consumers of shellfish and those wearing mixed fibres means there won't be too many at Pilton Farm who will inherit the Earth.

Friday, 24 June 2011

That Cesspit of Spite, Envy and General Nastiness...

Which lurks below the word 'Comments' on so many websites, and is especially venomous in 'the Guardian' is best avoided at any time.  I so wish that Charlie Brooker's idea could be instituted and ground glass would automatically be sprayed into the eyes of anyone who even thinks of entering a comment.  But, in a fit of masochism, I decided to see what the explosive combination of Rowling and the Guardian's readership would have and, among the all-too predictable bile I discovered something worthwhile: a link to the text of J K Rowling's  address to the Harvard graduation ceremony.
A truly inspirational piece from an admirable person and well worth a few minutes of anyone's time to read.

Ways to Spin Out a Multi-Volume Fantasy Epic. 1/983

One technique much favoured by fantasy novelists is the dream sequence.  Your character can have a nasty nightmare about what's coming, a whole host of creepy premonitions causing him to wake up in terror, then have the actual event happen and then be so traumatised they dream about it over and over again.  Judicious use of this technique can get you ten times as many pages out of any event than you ever dreamed possible.
To see this technique in the hands of an expert look at any section of G R R Martin's 'A Song of Ice and Fire' narrated by Bran: odds on he'll start by having either a premonition of what's coming or a nightmare about what has happened and any significant event in his storyline will be described half a dozen times in different tenses.  Repeat fees used to be a perk of TV writers but the shrewd novelist can use the same incident over and over again, and as the buyers of fantasy novels think weight = merit don't hesitate to kill as many birds as possible like this.  (See also tip 48, "Pad, pad pad," croaked the raven.)
For more inside tricks of the fantasy novelist try 'the Fantasy Novelist's Exam' and wonder how some of them avoided plagiarism cases.  "Mountains of Dhoom, my Orc" as Mr Royle might say.

'A Song of Fire and Ice': Volume 1/864

Until the recent HBO adaptation of ‘Game of Thrones’ I had been unaware of the existence of G R R Martin,  called by some ‘the American Tolkein’ – it’s those middle initials that do it. Anything from the network which gave the world ‘the Wire’ has a head start with me so I gave it a go, and was initially very impressed.
The characters seemed fuller than in much fantasy (though admittedly there are lampposts with more developed personalities than Orlando Bloom’s Legolas) and there seemed a somewhat more complex version of morality than ‘the Dark Lord wishes to enslave and destroy’.  (It must be rather limiting being a Dark Lord.  You wake up in the morning thinking ‘what should I do today; watch the cricket, maybe pet a cute puppy, oh no I’ve got to get on with my murder, torture and enslaving the world just like every other day.) I suppose that’s why they say “there’s no peace for the wicked”.
The first few episodes on HBO were so impressive that I couldn’t wait for the series to end.  Box sets have completely changed the way I watch TV and waiting weeks to find out how the story end seems so 20th Century.  So I placed a series of staggered orders with Amazon for the volumes of ‘A Song of Fire and Ice’ to arrive a few days apart, not realising I’d booked in on a Cresta Run of literary quality.
"I am a lady," insists Lady Sansa
The early books were not masterpieces but they were gripping stories where the desire to find out what happened kept the pages turning.  Not without irritations; the changing a single letter to make things exotic: Sir, Ser Fray Bentos, Jeffrey, Joffrey, Edward, Eddard, and the rest quickly lost their novelty.  Characters who on screen, in the hands of an actor, had some sort of life, on the page subsided into fairly simple types:  Ned Stark is dour but honourable, one daughter is a tomboy, the other so insistent about wanting to be a lady as to irresistibly summon up images of ‘Little Britain’.  And if Genghis had sussed beforehand that rebranding his hordes of nomadic mounted warriors by changing the n of Khan into an l and putting the title first would have meant his proxy rejoicing in the name Carl Drogo he’d have thought better of the whole idea.  And that’s before Shagga, son of Dolf pops up to trump it in the Silly Names contest. 
There was a degree of character development.  Sinister, cynical dwarf Tyrion Lancaster Lannister turns out to be not quite so sinister when you get to know him, though he stays a dwarf – and cynical.  His brother Jaime (shouldn’t that be Jemeaime?) proves to be rather nicer than first view suggests.  Though as we first see him attempting to murder a seven year old who inadvertently spots his incestuous adultery with his twin sister it would be difficult to go far downhill from there.
  
"Did you call me  a lady?" asked Brienne.

(To Be Continued)

Twitter, Good, Bad and...

I'm one of those boring people who have always said, "I can't see the point of Twitter."
But, for reasons too tedious to explain, I was cajoled into joining this week and I've been forced to semi-revise my opinion.
On the Good Side.
I thought 'Caitlin Moran's good for a laugh, I'll follow her.  She tweeted about having discussed clown porn on Newsnight.  So I had to go to the iPlayer and watch that.  In discussion with her was Brooke (Belledejour) Magnanti, reminding me she's interesting and leading me to her new blog, which is worth reading.  (Though personally I didn't have enough curiosity to investigate her link to 'Furry Girl's Vegan Porn site:  if you must on your own cabbage be it.)  But I did follow Ms Magnanti's suggestion of watching 'The Apprentice' while people heckled on Twitter.  I had slightly misunderstood the concept:  I thought it had something to do with business, rather than being a contest to find the most unpleasant sociopath at large in the UK today.  And it turned out I wasn't the only person who had never seen it before.  Mark Gatiss was giving his faux-naif commentary, culminating with the wonderful 'Are they all killed at the end?'  To which I couldn't resist adding 'if not why not?'
So Twitter did lead me down some interesting byways.  And without it I'd never have seen this: this wonderful photo.
On the other hand I did subject myself for a couple of days to Graham Linehan's minutely (that's issued every minute, as well as minutely detailed) account of how superinjuctions are preventing us hearing how the CIA are using Iranian torturers to rape indigenous Faroese hackers.  Until I figured out how to switch him off.  Just because someone's a comedy writer by profession doesn't mean their every utterance is funny:  unless they're the magical Caitlin Moran, of course.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Clown Porn

Inspired by the wonderful Caitlin Moran's appearance on Newsnight I've renamed my WiP file 'Clown Porn'.  I do hope my laptop's not stolen.  Though anyone opening said file would be sadly disappointed.
PS.  It's just occurred to me that having pressed the little 't' icon I suspect I may have twittered 'Clown Porn' to all and sundry.  An action I hope I won't live to regret.  I blame it all on Ms Moran.